I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
