First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Someone shit on the floor
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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