It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
