Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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