I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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