My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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