Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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