You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
