Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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