Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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