My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
