She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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