Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
