He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
