i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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