names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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