If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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