Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Randomize
