So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
