My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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