I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize