I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
