remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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