I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
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