This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
