ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
