sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
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