I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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