I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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