i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
