Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Randomize
