we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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