You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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