she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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