im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Randomize
