First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
