I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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