dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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