i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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