At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
