i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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