The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
