i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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