Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
