I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
