I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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