If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
