Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
