im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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