No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Houston, we have a blender
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
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