There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
