Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize