Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
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