I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Someone shattered a urinal.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize