also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
