He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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