Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
