Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
