Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize