my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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