You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
