I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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