FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
